There are so many days, where I think, “maybe I’d enjoy this (the late night wake-ups, the constant need to be held/entertained/fed/snuggled/what have you) more, if I worked and didn’t spend all day with him.” But really, the way S’s eyes light up with every new discovery just cannot be beat. The way he smiles at me just because he feels like it makes my heart damn near explode. Most days, I do actually appreciate the extra snuggles I get because my 15 month old refuses to wean. Most days, I do love the constant company of our little ball of energy. But I do not deny that there are other where I want to run away and never look back (every parent would know I’m lying even if I did deny it).
P has always preached that if you can’t change your circumstances, you can change your attitude, that you can choose to be happy. Lately, I’ve been working hard to do just that. Yes, I can go back to school, I can work, I can ask P to leave the Army, I can do all sorts of things to change my circumstances, but I cannot change the fact that my child needs and wants me. That’s probably a good thing, because I don’t think those changes would bring me much joy at all. Hard as this year spending almost every moment with our baby has been, it has been so incredibly rewarding as well.
This little excerpt is an awesome reminder that the effort I make to change my attitude towards my role as mother (and stay-at -home-mom, in particular) is worth it. These small, yet huge, interactions with my son are so much better than any I might have while partying or working or whatever else I might do if I didn’t have Sam.
At 3am I hear the little footsteps entering my room. I lay still, barely breathing. Maybe he will retreat to his room. Yeah right.
“Mommy.” A little louder.
“Yes”. I barely whisper.
He pauses, his giant eyes flashing in the dim light.
“I love you.”
Go read this right now.
It’s definitely worth your time.